Thursday, April 21, 2005

At Home with a Gnome

as promised yesterday, here are my witty little Gnome writings:

#1
I’m Ichabod, the little red Gnome
Protector – of your little red home

I’ll sit here and watch over your house
While you do the newlywed nasty
With your new spouse

#2
If at times you are neglectful
and lose your keys at work
and your day has been so dreadful
‘cause your boss is a big jerk

Hide a spare key inside of me
your ugly helpful Gnome
I’ll be your sentry, and grant you entry
into your little red home

#3
It’s not the way you decorate
or the color of your paint
It’s not the way you furnish it
there’s a lot of things it ain’t

The only thing you need
for your house to be a home
is me outside the front door
Fred, the little red Gnome

#4
An answering machine message…

Hello, this is Ichabod, the little red Gnome
Tracy and Keith have asked me
to answer their telephone
they’re busy being newlyweds
if you know what I’m trying to say
So leave your little message
and I be sure they get it
later on today

#5
West Roxbury, like any town, has houses on its streets
And when you walk up to their doors
its people you will meet

But here at 34 Johnson, it’s me that you’ll see first
A smallish, redish, ugly Gnome
At first you’ll swear I’m cursed

I’m only here to greet you
With Gnomish cheer and style
Welcome to the Gagnons
We hope you’ll stay a while

#6
Call me Red; it’s my Gnome de Plume
I’m sitting in the garden
to watch the flowers bloom

Ichabod’s my real name
Keith & Tracy live inside
In this little red house on Johnson Street
the three of us reside

I offer a humble welcome
to our humble little home
and promise not to tell a soul
that you’re talking to a Gnome

#7
A Gnome rap…

I’ve got short stubby fingers
On my short stubby hands
I’m a short red stubby Gnome
I’m an ugly little man

But I’m here for a purpose
So stop there in your tracks
Keith & Tracy are busy bopping
You’ll have to leave
but please come back

When the hootchie-kootchie’s finished
right here on Johnson street
guest are more than welcome
just remember – bring something sweet

#8
A parody of the song “Just a Gigolo”

I’m just a little Gnome
34 Johnson street’s my home
I live here with Keith and Tracy

They’re newlyweds you know
just like two horny toads
they’re always acting kinda racy

There will come a day
the sex will fade away
then in this house, you may enter

But until that day comes
I’ll be twiddling my thumbs
Life goes on…without them

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