Saturday, July 30, 2005

Caught RED Handed

So it's been a bit over a month since my brother's wedding and I am happy to report that all is well with John and Jennifer. However, yesterday I received and unexpected and unwelcome surprise in the mail that was like a kick in the ass reminder of the stressful portions of that journey south.

Let me set the stage for you. My wife has this burning desire for a pair of flip-flops. So, while she's doing her thing, I go out and buy her a nice pair of flip-flops only to return with them and her deciding that she absolutely hates them. I proceed to get pissed off and we all get in the car and go back to return them, then head to the mall for additional shopping.

In my pissed off frustration, I am going a bit faster that I should (though not dangerously by any means) but when the traffic light on Richmond Avenue turns red rather quickly, I know there is no way to safely stop, so I run the red light and just move along. The rest of the weekend happens and before the day ends, I forget the whole flip-flop incident and am no longer upset over it.

Fast forward to yesterday. I get a peculiar looking envelope in the mail only to find that in Staten Island, NY they have this Red Light Camera monitoring program where cameras are attached to the traffic lights, they snap pictures of your car passing the red light, they find you, then mail you a summons.



These are the evidence photos they so kindly sent me. That's my Jeep in the center at the red light in the photo on the left, then blowing the light in the photo on the right. Now, I admit that I am guilty and have no excuse. But if you are going to summons me running a light, do it the old fashioned way, with a fucking police car giving me a heart attack as he asks me to pull over and asks for my license and registration. No fucking cop to spare? Then no fucking ticket - comprende?

I am so glad that I no longer live in such a desperate loser place that they are mounting cameras on the traffic lights to catch assholes who can't stop at a red light. Look I know I was a complete ass for running the light, but it was an accident, not something I do on a regular basis. Anyway, I sent them the $50.00 and hope that they choke on it the little pricks.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Words of Wisdom?

I received the following in an email that indicates Bill Gates as having made this speech. I can't verify this to be true but the words themselves are thought provoking in some way...here they are:

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

From Nothing to Someone Else's Something

I had nothing today. In fact, so nothing that I tried to come up with something - that's how nothing I had. Then, I saw this other blog and there was a post there that just made me laugh my ass off silly cooky nutty. So, if you are interested, click here.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

What Not to Do with Wine

This past Friday, some very dear friends came over for dinner. It had been way too long since we got to just hang out and talk, drink, and play games together (Uno is a fave) so we were all looking forward to it.

I planned a nice dinner and dessert and had some white wine (Chateau St. Michelle Riesling - this was a find of mine and at 12 bucks a bottle is not only delicious, but affordable) chilling in the fridge for a couple of days so it would be all ready.

So our friends arrive, and they bring along two bottles of white wine which past history tells me, we just may need - so in an effort to chill them quickly, I did what I've done in the past...put them in the freezer.

So dinner is great, we make it through the first two bottles of wine and just chat our way into the night and early the next morning. I put a pot of coffee on and served dessert and after a while, we called it a night. So after our guests left, I had flipped on the dishwasher and we headed off to bed.

The next morning, I opened up the freezer for some reason and guess what I found there? (**Jeopardy music mysteriously begins to play in the background**) Both bottles of wine had frozen solid and the corks had popped out thanks to the expansion. Two wine popsicles is what I had essentially had there though surrounded by their dark green glass bottles (which fortunately were still in tact).

So, the answer to What Not to Do with Wine....Always remember NOT to forget to drink enough of it so that it is impossible to forget it in the freezer for a long enough period of time to render it useless.

And so ends this latest in a frighteningly growing list of..."For the Dummy Files."

Monday, July 25, 2005

Happy 7th Birthday Victoria


For the benefit of family and friends who know of my delightful child, photos from her birthday party can be found here.








NOTE:PHOTOS NO LONGER AVAILABLE DUE TO CLOSED FLICKR ACCOUNT

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Something to Ponder

Would you give up everything you own to have everything you want?
Did you answer with some form of yes or no instantly?
Did you stop to consider what it is you may be surrendering?
Did you own more or less than you thought?
Have you considered what you may be taking for granted?
Have you thought about the possibility that everything you want may not be what you expect?

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

How Pregnancy Happens

A co-worker got this link via email and passed it on to me...it's quite funny.
Besides that, I got nothing - so hopefully you'll be entertained.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Sudoku: A Recent Addiction

It started out as innocent curiosity courtesy of a fellow blogger. But I confess, it has blossomed into full blown addiction - so I must say, "My name is Chris D. and I am a Sudokuholic."

There, I feel better and that was just one step. Though I am not sure if this is customary of 12 step programs, I am going to stretch a bit by attempting to addict all of you as well; simply click the following link...


Monday, July 18, 2005

Possible Proof

This may be evidence that proves what the previous two posts allude to.


I am 39% Idiot.
Ain't Too Bright

I ain't too bright. But all those other idiots annoy the hell out of me. I may not be the brightest bulb in the bunch, but at least I know my limits.


Thanks to Human Under Construction for the link.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Slightly Retahded II: Still a Dummy

So I am at the supermarket in the produce section checking out some fruits and veggies (specifically in search of watermelon and bananas). I'm gimping a bit from being winded after a 6 mile walk in the humidity(I'm really playing up this walking thing eh?) and sporting a sleek orange Halloween themed t-shirt but that deters me not from my mission for fresh fruit.

I eye me some nectarines out of nowhere when all of a sudden someone comes into view that may look familiar. As I near the nectarines in search of a fruit find, I notice these two gals gaping over the grapes, one of which looks very much like a student who frequents the computer lab over at the college. I start that odd maneuver where I creep closer to the girls, oddly curious for some odd reason (hey, this whole thing is odd). I always remember how weird it was to see one of my teachers out in the "real world" but now the shoe is on the other foot. I'm looking at this person so darn curious that it may be a student and actually wondering how it could be possible that a student would be grocery shopping. I really need some help.

Anyway, alternating my fruit selection process for gawks at the girl, I am caught red handed by the girl in mid gawk. She simply turned around, said "oh, hi there" and proceeded to sample a red grape and following through with an "it's just not sweet enough" face as she just walked away never to be seen again throughout the market. Come on, don't tell me I'm the only one who does that - you see someone you know in a supermarket then "spy" on them to see what they are going to buy...

I need to go now, time for my straight jacket fitting. Until next time...

Saturday, July 16, 2005

I'm Slightly Retahded and an Apology

For those of you who come by this blog o'mine often enough to notice my recent lack of consistency with posting, I apologize. I'm in a bit of a funk about it myself but am working on it.

Now, on to my stupidities of the past week.
#1) I walked into a local pub in my town (one I've been in before) to ask permission to park in their lot for a brief time so that I can go walking (this isn't the stupid part but will make more sense in a future essay called Walking Home). So, I go into the front door and see what appears to be a window through which I see the barkeep cutting limes in preparation for the evening crowd and in acknowledgment of my presence, he looked up and began speaking to me. In an attempt to approach the bar and speak with him, I looked for a door handle to open and get through the door that appeared to separate us and couldn't find it. I then reached for the glass which I saw him through only to discover (here comes the stupidity...) that it was a mirror and him and the bar were on the opposite side. Needless to say, when I asked permission to park he just kind of looked at me as if I was, well, stupid and said, "yeah, no problem." Boy was that brief interaction somewhat awkward.

#2) I had plans to meet a friend and yet another local pub in my town between 5:30 and 6. Well, things ran a bit late at home getting dinner prepared for the family so I arrived right about 6. I walk into the bar, notice someone who could be my friend at the other end of the bar, looking down into a magazine. I walk right up to him and stare like a friggin madman only to determine...that's not Mark. So I scamper away slowly to peek outside and try to determine if he's still on his way or has already bailed when the barkeep chimes in, "can I help you?" "I'm waiting on a friend," I reply. And then, the mystery gentleman at the bar lifts his head from the magazine and shouts "hey Chris!" It was of course Mark and I once again prove that the brain cells in this old boy are leaving on a fast train to nowhere.

That's all for now, I need to wrap my skull in bandages to prevent further leaking. In one attempt at salvation, I may actually have repaired the air conditioning in my wife's car last night. It was blowing only hot air and I managed to get cold air to come from it - we'll see if it lasts.

Later folks.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Bugaboo-Boo

I owe an apology to Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse, so – Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse, I am sorry. I prejudged you and from sometime late in 1997 all the way through this past Saturday, I chose to bad mouth your “chain restaurant” attitude and “horse-crap food” without ever stepping foot into one of your restaurants. I made an assumption early on and as Felix Unger pointed out in that famous Odd Couple episode, when you assume…

So this past Sunday started out with sound of an early (for a Sunday) alarm; I showered and shaved, then went to church. After church, I picked up a newspaper and headed home where I decided to take a good long walk and enjoy the outdoors free of the torrential rains we’ve had of late. Nine miles of pavement and blazing sun later I returned home to a few outdoor chores and then hit the showers again before settling in for a while to enjoy my Sunday newspaper.

While flipping through the paper, I noticed a coupon for $5.00 off at Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse. After having walked 9 miles in the hot sun (and did some outdoor chores), I had decided that cooking for the family wasn’t in my plans so the idea of going out had a lot of appeal, and the thought of $5.00 off made it even more appealing (side note in response to Egan’s recent study of tipping strategies-when using a coupon in a restaurant, I still tip based on the amount of the check before the coupon is applied – though I resent when the server goes out of their way to point out the two different amounts).

Fast forward to me showing up at Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse with my wife and daughter leaving my past prejudices in the past and hoping for a positive experience. I knew not to expect any measure of elegance as this isn’t one of those fancy schmancy places that I like to check out every so often, but having been to other “themed” restaurants, my one expectation was some measure of corniness.

The corniness came right after we were seated and were made aware of the “Canadian Rockies” theme and asked to observe the giant moose head mounted high above the bar. On random occasions, we were told, the moose’s eyes look around the restaurant and he begins to talk. It was my daughter who noticed the moose’s mouth begin to move (along with his eyes) as he spoke in a voice not loud enough to cut through the crowd in the restaurant. Though I’ll be the first to say how corny this all was, I also must admit that it was whimsical and not overdone (though the d├ęcor was a bit much, it wasn’t distracting enough to be a turn off). The biggest surprise was yet to come and I’ll tell you now, it was quite pleasant.

Perusing the menu, I found that the choices were attractive and enticing with only a small amount of corniness thrown into the naming of menu items (in keeping with the restaurant’s theme). What was even more pleasing was the quality of the food. Everything came out in a timely manner and was cooked properly and of course most important of all, tasted delicious. I had the “Asian Salmon Salad” while my wife enjoyed the “Strip & Scampi” and my daughter had the “Baby Bobbie Burns Sirloin + Fries” (I thought this was a nice touch to the kids menu).

Ultimately, it was a pleasurable dining experience only slightly brought down by the unusually high number of birthday celebrations. I’m not a big fan of every server marching out, hands-a-clapping, theme-restaurant version of the Happy Birthday song – in this restaurant it features your server manipulating an enormous moose head in puppet-like fashion through the song and at the end, all the singing servers command the birthday victim to “kiss the moose.” It occurred to me that since there is no longer a reason to have smoking or non-smoking sections in a restaurant, perhaps they would consider birthday and non-birthday section. Better still, how about making all that clappity-clap crap go away forever so that we can all eat in peace on not regret leaving our house on our birthday or someone else’s.

All that being said, Bugaboo – I apologize for calling you bad names and prejudging you. I’ll be back.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Title Unnecessary

I miss the way things used to be. Perhaps my mistake was expecting that things wouldn't change as much as they so clearly have (and do).
Change is good, sometimes.
Then again, sometimes, good and bad are so close they are almost equal (that is, depending on how and more specifically, who defines what is good and what is bad).
At one time in my life, I remember four distinct seasons. Somehow in the recent past I only can count two - that sucks. Worse, I am forever longing for the seasons that no longer exists and often for any season other than the current one.
Who invented the corndog and what was the thought process involved? I say it was pure genius at work.
What could possibly be going through the heads of terrorists during one of their heinous attacks? How can they possibly justify their actions?
When you finish reading this, be sure and tell someone you love how you feel about them. A friend, colleague, spouse, child, whomever...just do it!

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Dolphin Treacheries

I was cleaning my desk yesterday and ran across a printout from a website I had discovered a few years ago called Anagram Genius. It was a fairly simple idea, you type in something (such as your name) and it generates a list of anagrams. I revisited the website and it's kind of crappy now as they pretty much only have one goal in mind, to sell you the anagram genius software, and the teasers kind of suck.

However, for your entertainment, here is the complete list (some funny, some not) of anagrams created on that day in April 2001 for my name: Christopher Daniele...

Dolphin treacheries.
The idle chairperson.
Nicer peril hotheads.
Ape Shit! nicer holder.
Rich deplores in hate.
Starchier, idle phone.
This hard-core, penile.
Neater, polished rich.
In the docile sharper.
Harsh, idle reception.
Ethnic hair deplores.
The rich, ideal person.
To plainer, cherished.
Red-hot as penile rich.
Cheapish or dire lent.
On childish repartee.
Childish or neat peer.
Ache trendier polish.
Held or nicer ape shit.
Chapters idle heroin.
Lech on direr ape shit.
Replaced this heroin.
Not cherished a peril.
Horrid panties leech.
Panel or cherished it.
Cherished or in petal.
Neater, childish rope.
Rich help on steadier.
He is the rancid prole.
Nicer hothead perils.
Nicer shithead prole.
Ache in this deplorer.
Cheapish, tired loner.
He's the idle or in crap.
Nicer hothead lisper.
Help! racier hedonist.
Hard-core, penile shit.
Cheat in his deplorer.
Hardiest or nice help.
In the chair deplores.
A rich, hedonist leper.
Ha! this nice deplorer.
Cheapish or idle rent.
On childish repeater.
Rich deplores in heat.
Helicopter in dasher.
Horrid, penile cheats.
Tried cheapish loner.
Shit! ache in deplorer.
Lend cheapish rioter.
Hot idle nice sharper.
The idle heroins crap.
Cherished or plane it.
Cherished or in plate.
Crap! he's the idle iron.
Ethnic or leadership.
Ape Shit! cornier held.
Shod reptilian cheer.
Idle on sharp heretic.
Rich, honest, idle rape.
Hot lechered aspirin.
Chair hedonist leper.
Is the china deplorer.
This deplorer in each.
Cherished, alien port.
Cherished, plane riot.
He's the rancid or pile.
Handiest choir leper.
He sharp dereliction.
Headline or rich pest.
Leech handiest prior.
Lech hedonist repair.
Helicopters and hire.
Dear! the nicer polish.
He is the prior candle.
Hash nice deplorer it.
Hates deplore in rich.
Dire elephant choirs.
Hardier, ethnic slope.
Deplore in as the rich.
Trashier lech in dope.
I lechered on sharp it.
Rich telephone raids.
Hence! direr hospital.
Horrid elephant ices.
Help! drastic heroine.
On this repaired lech.
Their chain deplores.
Cherished pole in rat.
In cherished or leapt.
He's the prior, nice lad.
Penile rich to dasher.
Loathed rip enriches.
In perchlorate hides.
Heroics and the peril.
Replaced on the Irish.
This pain or lechered.
Shrine decrepit halo.
Rate childish opener.
Shithead loner price.
Shh! decrepit or alien.
Phrase rich deletion.
Hi! rich neat deplores.
Lech to hardier ,penis.
Enrich to leadership.
Inherited chap loser.
Help sic ironhearted.
Oh Dear! ethnic lisper.
Plainer heroes ditch.
In the hard-core piles.
He is the rancid prole.
Hits ache in deplorer.
His teach in deplorer.
Pinch dreariest hole.
Pile dear honest rich.
Is trendier hole chap.
To hardier, nice helps.
Let's! dire heroin chap.
Shit in each deplorer.
Ha! is ethnic deplorer.
Pilot near cherished.
No! childish repartee.
Enter or childish ape.
Clothe hardier penis.
The sharp, nice or idle.
Posh idle neater rich.
Reach hedonist peril.
Heard in helicopters.
Is the chain deplorer.
Hard-core, penile hits.
Irish, precedent halo.
Panel cherished riot.
On a cherished triple.
Ape Shit! Ole! rich nerd.
Cherished, polite ran.
So rich, dire elephant.
So rich, penile hatred.
Lech hedonist rapier.
Dearer, ethnic polish.
Help! rancid theories.
Lord! cheapish entire.
He is the plain record.
Hated on rich replies.
Each trendier polish.
Hot, nicer leadership.
Penile hatred choirs.
Inspired or the leach.
He is the idle nor crap.
Leech or handiest rip.
Polished, nicer hater.
Let's! horrid, nice heap.
Oh Dear! ethnic perils.
Idle heroins chapter.
Replaced in this hero.
Their china deplores.
Cherished pile on rat.
He is the lad or prince.
Rich or penile deaths.
Please in red-hot rich.
Hardier leech points.
Red-hot, penile chairs.
I the deplorer chains.
Heroic and this leper.
Lechered on this pair.
Childish, nearer poet.
Tear childish opener.
Hash trendier police.
He's a deplorer in itch.
Phrased on rich elite.
Enrich older ape shit.
Pair hedonist lecher.
Help! hedonistic rear.
Enrich hardiest pole.
Inch triple sorehead.
Chapters idle in hero.
The dire chap in loser.
Heroic and the perils.
This cheap, dire loner.
Helped trashier coin.
Deplore harsh, nice it.
Hoped starchier line.
Deplore his rich neat.
Leech on hardiest rip.
Red-hot aches in peril.
The nice sharper idol.
Shit! replaced heroin.
On cheapish, direr let.
Please on Third reich.
No! childish repeater.
Health! is direr ponce.
He’s the cold in rapier.
He’s the clip or in dear.
Red-hot rich in asleep.
He is rich, adept loner.
Rich depletion hears.
He’s the cold in repair.
Done! sharp, rich elite.
He rich latrines dope.
He’s a rich, polite nerd.
He is darn helicopter.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

What's So Funny About 2 Cigarette Boxes?

Nothing to Say

It's a bit after 3pm on Saturday and I don't have much to say. I completely forgot that today was Live8 day but am now typing this while MTV is on in the background.

This past week I pretty much ragged my ass every day but stood true to my exercise regimen (I'll be updating you all soon on that).

I think I am living up to the title of this post.

Hee Dee Dee!

Did you smile today?

Here's something to grab your attention (and make you barf).

Here's a bizzare web site.

And finally, having lived in the Boston/Metrowest area for the last (almost) 8 years, one of the most common things that pop up relate to the odd Boston accent. If you are interested in learning about this (can't imagine why you would be) - but nonetheless, heres a link to the Wicked Good Guide to Boston English.