Friday, August 03, 2007

What’s With the Fuck Buddies and Boner Meds?


Here's an email I received from a mysterious person named Gena Dutton:
Subject: Fuckfriends in your area bl5
hi there...
Want a fuck-buddy living nearby?
93% of people who tried us out already got laid with the help of our dating system,

The best part is... it won't even cost you a penny.

My reply:
Dearest Gena,
I assume I can drop the formalities considering the context of your message to me. I was wondering if you are contacting everybody on the planet about this wonderful service of yours or if you are targeting me specifically? I wonder mostly because I get your email just about daily, I do admire your persistence. Is there something about my email address that implies to you that I need a fuck buddy? Do you know me from somewhere? Have we met? Heck, have we fucked?
I'm also interested in knowing if I do have interest in your service, will you specifically be my fuck buddy or are you just promoting other possible fuck buddies? I do think that in an effort to promote truth in advertising you should at the very least include your measurements if not a high resolution photograph.
Gena, I really look forward to hearing back from you soon so that I can make a better informed decision.
All the best,
Chris
Here's another email I received from an equally mysterious lady named Alana Marshall:
Subject: 100mg x 90 pills $159.95
Now the message, which makes no sense whatsoever:
Upon from the right by far trees, that white place Suddenly, in a savage, dreadful bend,So you can watch me watch uplifted snow Blurring the terrain,Toward something that the world is pointing toward Among us, only Alberti, then Sangallo,The ordinary, wide scene which begins That open before me? What I seewonders if she'd ever be brave enough Right, and appears from here to be overcomeBlurring the terrain, One flash of eye, or blow one clarion-blast;To a higher level of appearance
Followed by a graphic listing all the lovely boner meds available for sale and dispensed by a "licensed" pharmacist.
I feel so blessed to be looked after so closely by perfect strangers.

7 comments:

Airam said...

"Heck, have we fucked?"

I love how you're so polite and put the "heck" in there instead of "hell".

Chris said...

Airam - I am nothing if I am not a tru gentleman.

ARM said...

I'll tell you right now - Gena's contacted me, too. Slut.

egan said...

Chris, I love that spam humors you so much. You've almost inspired me to write spam for fun. Almost.

Chris said...

Egan - if I achieve that, then I would consider myself a success.

M said...

what do you have for that esteemed lawyer from the Congo with news that someone's (not mine) rich uncle has left 1 million dollars to me in his will for a reason which is never fully explained - now I have to give them my bank account details.
?

Chris said...

M - I've not yet written him back but then again it has been quite some time since I heard from him.