Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Concert Going 101

(with a touch of how I enjoyed the Kelly Clarkson concert last evening)

I'll start with saying that as a concert performer, Kelly Clarkson is formidable. At the release of her second CD, I predicted superstar status and she proved me right in terms of record sales and radio play. Her third CD release was clouded with controversy but that is because of that old fart has been Clive Davis pulling his prick where he should have had no right to. Clarkson was in fine voice and clearly demonstrated her ability to command an audience and work a set list.

Now, for some advice to concert goers who wish to attend the same concerts as I do and ensure that I have a good time and not leave hating you. This many not be a complete list as I am shooting from the cuff but it will cover the fundamentals.
  1. Show up on time. Actually, a little early so you can go the rest room and the concessions and still be in your fucking seat when the lights go out.
  2. Sit the fuck down. Unless your ticket is designated for a standing room section, you are purchasing a seat, which may be somewhere in the vicinity of mine. I like to sit in the fucking seat I paid for and not have a bunch of pissants bobbing around blocking my view. Perhaps for the last song and the encore I'll allow standing and dancing but the rest of the show its sit down or piss me off.
  3. No cell phones! Get a fucking lighter, this worked forever before the cell phone thing. Have some fucking inkling for tradition.
  4. Related to number 3, no fucking texting. I could write a series of posts but I am saving the topic of texting for a podcast. Needless to say, i you prefer texting whoever the fuck over seeing the show, leave.
  5. Stay in your fucking seat. Unless your bowel and or bladder is about to leave your body, sit tight and enjoy the show that Ticketmaster and the concert gods have taken a weeks salary and your first born in exchange for.
  6. If the show is comedy rather than music, you are not allowed under any circumstances to tell any jokes before during and after the show. Don't repeat any jokes or tell any new ones, don't even think about being funny. In fact, shut the fuck up unless these are the two words you are about to say and I am included..."I'm buying."
  7. To the concert venue: we paid alot of fucking scratch to be here, clean up the place, maintain a comfortable temperature, and don't think it's okay to fuck me up the ass in exchange for a bottle of filtered tap water (fuck you Coke and Pepsi) and a stale pretzel with mustard flavored bacteria gel.
I think that's it for now, I need to go take my blood pressure meds.


brookem said...

ha, chris, how do you really feel? i love how many times you busted out the f-bomb in this one. good for you. let out that pent up anger!

and as far as texting, i devoted a whole post to this and etiquitte related to it a while back. we should discuss this sometime, maybe podcast style one day!

Airam said...

Whoah! You .... you ... swore!!!! I like the Chris who unleashes the fucks left, right and centre!

Umm ... I told you in my interview that that's my favourite curse word right?

Chris said...

Brookem - I'll have to take the time to read your post on texting. I'd love the bust out the together podcast on this one.

Airam - I am aware of your favoritism of my choice of expletives. I'm glad that you approve.