Saturday, November 10, 2007

Laughs Courtesy of Johnny D

UPDATE 11/12/2007
The amazing Armalicious informed me of the orginal source of the JC Penney post/eMail. I am now linked in to his terrific blog called 15 Minute Lunch and his original version of the post can be found here.

I confess, I've been holding out. My buddy Johnny sent me an email the other day that just had me laughing so hard, along with many of my colleagues. I haven't shared it hear because I knew it would take time to convert it to a post but I finally have the time and thought I'd finally let you all in on some funny stuff.

The original author is a mystery but the laughs are plentiful. Enjoy...

Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in the ceiling for my wife's grandfather. While my wife's brother and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:

A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:

Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom:

There's plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I'm not going to bore you with that. Instead, I'm going to bore you with something else. The clothes.

The clothes are fantastic.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in elementary school:

Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits, grandpa.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in high school:

This kid looks like he's pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

Here's how to get your ass kicked on the golf course:

This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it's slightly more effective as a deterrent against ass-rapery.

Here's how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:

If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he doesn't, although you can tell just by looking at them that it's happened - or if it hasn't happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup.

Here's how to get your ass kicked at the beach:

He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know it's probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.

How to get your ass kicked in a meeting:

If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.

How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's Day:

Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.

As does your search for chest hair.

And this -- Seriously. No words.

Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What. The. F*ck. I'm guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I'm guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?

I am especially fond of this one, which I have entitled "Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best."

And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."

Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:

I could go on, but I'm tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it's the colors. That said, I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:

Man, that's sexy.


armalicious said...

Chris, my man. The origin of this hilarious little thing is none other than Johnny Virgil of 15 Minute Lunch. I've been reading his blog ever since I first started blogging back in 2004. He is a maniac and one of my all time faves. Anyway, his original post back in October turned into a chain email. He posted about.

Chris said...

Armalicious - You are rocking my little world right now. Thanks for the linkie - I'l be sure to add it to my list right away (or soon threafter). How are you?

AaroN said...

Just damn.

Chris said...

Aaron - I don't recall it to be as frightening when it was happening but the evidence does speak loudly.

egan said...

2nd longest post ever.

egan said...

I don't want to get picky here, but doesn't this sort of go against blog protocol? It appears you copied and pasted the entry from his blog. While I know you said it was an email you received, it's still a bit freaky. If I saw my own exact post on someone else's blog, I might be a tiny bit upset. I'm just saying. Go Dodgers!

Chris said...

Egan - Yes. Quite long.but worth it.

Egan - At the time I posted it, I only knew it to be an email. Once I discovered that it was a blog post, I cited it - I didn't delete it completely because it took a fait amount of work to convert from email but at least I included the original link.

armalicious said...

At this point, the original author of the blog knows his post turned into a "virus email." So many people have turned it into blog posts because they had no idea the original source. I think Chris is in the clear since he gave JV credit after he found out who originally wrote it. And I think JV thinks it's kind of humourous based on his comments and his follow up post where he talked about how his site meter stats sky rocketed. I've been reading 15ML for quite awhile (before I ever discovered Egan, even!) and know that JV has a pretty damn good sense of humour.