Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas, Baby

May the true spirit of the season bring hope and promise to you and yours.

I thought that I would tack on this silly, yet whimsical little email that's perhaps funnier to those who grew up Roman Catholic, but hey, the space is free so here goes, enjoy if you can.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

  1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
  8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
  12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


sprizee said...

Merry Christmas!

Chris said...

Sprizee - Thanks! You too.

Airam said...

I loved that!!! So funny!

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

Chris said...

Airam - :)

armalicious said...

Hope you had a wonderful Christmas!! And here's to a great New Year!

And, I love that joke...the "Mary with the Cherry" gets me every single time.

Chris said...

Armalicious - That is a classic. I happen to laugh very hard at the "...peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's."