A while back I got this idea to stand up in front of a live crowd and instead of doing a comedy routing, simply whip out the cell phone and read tweets. Almost immediately after I had that thought, Kevin Nealon did exactly that and my dreams were shattered.
Over the last couple of nights, I assembled a number of tweets that I think are pretty funny and I thought for those of you not currently subscribed to my twitter feed, or read it over here on the right side panel, that I'd assemble them in the order they were tweeted (and that I performed them recently over the phone for Haaaaaaaaatch and in the Admission department). That's right, I can be shameless. Enjoy and hopefully, laugh!
This tweet is free of trans fats
I put my left foot in and it felt so good, I left it there. #hokeypokey
After turning myself about, I pondered, "Is that what it's all about?" #hokeypokey
I think the Spanish verb for "to disturb" is quite disturbing. #molestar
"I conquered, I saw, I came." Doesn't have the same ring in reverse.
"What's new pussy, cat?" #poorpunctuation
Would it be ironic to drown in a tub full of lifewater?
"buy a million sombreros for $1 each and then sell them all for $2 each." #howtobecomeamillionaire
Has @woodyharrelson ever been voted hemployee of the month?
Polly wanted a cracker, the cat wanted Polly - Guess who won? RIP Polly!
My previous tweet was a comedic work of fiction.
iThink that asshat Jobs should focus on iPancreas before iCloud
Who was it that said Fred Durst took Cialis to get rid of his Limp Bizkit?
BREAKING NEWS! Ozzy Osbourne just said something coherent-full story at 11.
Obesity strikes livestock, Mary's little lamb far from little anymore.
"Brothy" is not an appealing adjective, especially when one refers to feeling "rather brothy" after a go around
When life hands you lemons, stop dropping acid.
Just who was it that pioneered the vinegar & water douche?
What part of the gorilla does the glue come from?
Who's up for liverwurst flavoured tic-tac's?
I wonder if test tube babies excel in chemistry
I didn't make the millions I hoped for with my first invention- Rasterfarian Shampoo