I'm a bit hypersensitive and emotional tonight and instead of randomly bantering on a specific topic, I've found a ridiculous questionnaire that I've completed with the intent of amusing you all to some degree of laughter. Enjoy!
WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Yeah, a nice Jewish boy who’s dad created all existence.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED AND WHY?
About eleven minutes ago when I realized I accidentally sat on my cajones and after the pain subsided, I realized the only thing I had left to do was this ridiculous questionnaire.
YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Not nearly as much as I like a good cannoli.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
I don’t recall her name any longer; it was quite some time ago and in a place so very far away.
DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No, I don’t do young goats but I do have a daughter.
IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT?
Me? Sarcasm? Never!
DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Do you still have your dignity? (Yes by the way – on the tonsils thing). Oh, and the expression “Tonsil Hockey” is vile.
WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Yes. Would you do shots of Patron and Mineral Oil?
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
General Hospital…Oh, Cereal, not Serial…What are those things called, “Fiber Fuckers” or something like that.
DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Not usually – is your world a better place now that you know that?
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
I think I have strengths – does that count?
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE ?
The quantity of appendages currently forming acute angles and whether or not their wearing socks.
RED OR PINK?
We talking strictly colors or are body parts involved?
WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING about yourself ?
It involves teeth.
WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Frankie the mope (inside joke).
WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Kind of an off white on the pants, though more accurately cargo shorts – no shoes.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Is anything sacred anymore? The last bit of food I ate involved an array of grains such as quinoa, wheat berries, lentils and other boring items.
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
This is a perfect space to respond with, “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.” However, I will refrain, because I am better than that and instead say, “Fresh bread baking in the oven is hard to beat.”
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Football and Baseball – but only when competitive mumbling is off season.
Upstairs or downstairs?
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No, but I have some Outlook ones.
SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
What do cinema and professional massage have to do with each other?
LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Oh, it was the one with that actor – you know, he was in that other movie.
WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Duck billed platypus white.
SUMMER OR WINTER?
Sam Adams Summer ale is way better than their winter ale but I prefer cooler to warmer temps.
HUGS OR KISSES?
Your place or mine?
Your place or mine?
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Blood, it’s the mouse’s time of the month.
WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?
The toothless drunken dude ruining the poker game getting tossed through the screen door then hitting the plastic yard furniture before lapsing into a coma.
ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Why choose, can’t we all just get along?
DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Answering meaningless questionnaires is a somewhat humorous fashion.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Inside a vagina.