This is a very difficult time of year for me. In fact, I am almost certain I've talked about this here, maybe even recently, but it's what's in my head at this moment, so a little blog therapy is an order.
My father died in March of 1993. His death came as a surprise for two reason, he wasn't all that old and, nobody would have expected my mother to outlive him. The shock was so great that for the first few nights, my mother was convinced he'd be walking back in the door any time. Also, for the holidays that year, there was a place setting left for him, even 8 and 9 months after his death.
My mom passed away in September of 1997 and from the time my dad died until her passing, at least half of her life was spent in hospital beds. Needless to say, holidays were tolerated during that time rather than celebrated.
I moved to MA in September of 1998, I needed a reboot. However, while I have no regrets whatsoever for leaving NYC, there were only a couple of holiday seasons where the moment I was in was more joyful than the pain of reliving the loss of my parents and the traditions and spirit of the holidays of my younger days.
I know, that probably sounds sad and awful and likely more so than it actually was, I don't know how to effectively convey the feeling.
I do know that I have some more perspective as we head into Thanksgiving and while my daughter has always been a light for me, there are other reasons why my spirit feels stronger this year and why I am confident that this holiday season, while the memory of the joyous moments with my parents will remain with me, I have other reasons to be thankful and other sources of joy.