Saturday, December 08, 2012

Understanding Barbara

"Sometimes I step out of myself and the me that remains is just a shell, a part of the whole trying to be everything - sometimes, with less than nothing. I hide the pain inside because everyone around me needs me to be strong for them but the cost is higher than I can afford to pay sometimes...I need to be fed, I hunger, I may not be alone, but I can't help but feel that way.

This isn't solitude, for solitude is soulful when it's a conscious choice.  I don't know exactly what this is, but if I was a betting man, I'd bet that it's loneliness. I find myself living one moment at a time, sometimes in the company of friends, sometimes with nothing but the four walls that surround me and the ambient sounds of darkness. But, this hunger, this thirst, this desire for that connection..."

I found this in one of my notebooks, not 100% certain when I wrote it but within the last couple of years for sure. When I came across it today, I reminded me of meeting that lovely elderly lady, Barbara, at BJs on Friday evening.

I spent a little time thinking about it and while I really have no idea if I was right about why Barbara was there or insisting on chatting as long as she did, my thought that it all might have stemmed from some manifestation of loneliness seemed feasible because it's a feeling I understand.

I have gone to stores or malls or just places simply to be in the presence of other human life. I've walked through a store and wandered aimlessly though a mall simply because the idea of being in my house felt so unbearably empty.

I don't know how to end this or if it's even possible to transition to another topic so I will just stop.

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