Back in mid-March sometime, I made a return to Twitter after not being there for a while. I thought I would share with you all who follow me here, but not there, a large selection of my tweets since I returned. Here they are in order of oldest to newest:
I think Cap'n Crunch stole his elephant from Noah's ark. #ConspiracyTheories
When you run across that person looks like they have a mouthful of sour candy, only they don't.
How much is Mrs. Butterworth?
When did TBT become throwback Thursday? Back when I was in college it stood for throw up Thursday #tbt #fb
I wonder if there is a correlation between the resurgence of vinyl records and the increasing legality of marijuana.
Quiznostradomus was never given enough credit for predicting how much more delicious a sub can be when it's toasted.
If bacon was the "Breakfast of Champions" instead of Wheaties, we'd have lot's more champions.
Just discovered-Vladimir Putin has had the Beatles "Back in the U.S.S.R." on replay for two straight years. #explainsalot
Is there a Whole Foods brand half and half?
Pro tip: Put all of your dirty laundry in the bed of your pickup before driving through the car wash #protip
I have no desire to be on top of the world; imagine how cold it is up there!
Pro Tip:Add toothpaste to your chocolate brownie batter for a minty chocolate taste and no need to brush your teeth after. #ProTip
I think we should send our kids trick or treating for April Fool's day. #fb
Is it possible to wax poetic in 140 characters or less? #HeeDeeDee #fb
If it was confirmed that "the good life" tasted like black licorice, how many people would still wish for a taste of it? #fb
Should you ever really have to beg to differ? I think it should just come naturally or not at all. #fb
When life hands you lemons, squeeze them on the open wounds of your enemies.
If time heals all wounds, how come there are no Band-Aid brand watches? #fb
A friend quit smoking,I called him a loser. He said,what's up w/ that? "Winners never quit, and quitters never win", I didn't write it. #fb
My friend had a party for his dog - her day had finally come. The dog is melancholy though because she has nothing left to anticipate. #fb
Numismatists are constantly coining phrases #numismaticshumor
No man has ever been to no man's land. #fb
Every time a donkey makes a phone call, it's the result of an ass dial.
I think #BenFranklin would have been a prolific tweeter.
Even one lotte fish is a lotte fish.
Who put the cat in the bag in the first place? #fb
I typed an entire proposal on onion skin; I couldn't stop crying. #retrohumor #thegeniusofme #fb
I'll never understand the allure of auto-erotic asphyxiation. Though I hear it's breathtaking. #fb
Had a chat with Evander Holyfield, he gave me an earful - but it was all one sided. #fb
Gotta hand it to a proctologist who can keep it together, all day at work - nothing but assholes!
I feel like I am way too late on making "Mile High Club" references to pot being legal in Colorado. #fb
Should "Kick the Bucket" be the last entry on everyone's bucket list? #fb
Before I go to bed, a big fuck you to whomever decided "Bologna" was how you spell it and/or "Baloney" was how you say it. #fb
The dating scene in Holland is all about going Dutch. #fb
The iceman cometh. And that is how iceman jr. came to be.
I went to a furniture store and asked for a cliner. Salesman said,"You mean a recliner?" I said,"Well.yeah-but I don't want a used one." #fb