Tuesday, October 27, 2015


The Carnage

I was frantically running about this morning - I had to lure my cat into my kid's room to lock him up in there for safety while the contractor is in the house working; needless to say, we are enough days in that he has made the association that he's getting locked up and that makes it harder to do so.Then, of course once successful, he immediately begins his gut wrenching howling. The move is to have everything it its place so that once he gets locked in then you make a run for the car and off to work to minimize hearing said howls.

I locked him in, ran down only to realize I left my keys upstairs in my bedroom...which I keep locked while the contractor is on site. No problem, spare key to bedroom hidden in the office. Oh crap, the office is locked too. Oh yeah, spare car key is locked in bedroom with car key-car key...panic sets in, f-bombs flying so fast and furious I worry the FAA may intercede.

After a few minutes, I take a deep breath and realize I do have a fully charged cell phone with Internet access. I know if I call a locksmith, I'm probably in for $150 - so I google "How to Get into a Locked Interior Door" (brought to you courtesy of proud moments).

First solution involves the sentence, "How to fashion a lock pick from a large paperclip". At first I was game, then I realize that all of my paperclips are locked in my office. then, it hit me that even if I can perfectly "fashion' the necessary tools, lock picking takes practice, what are the odds I pick up on that skill right away? I was already getting close to being late for work...what's next.

I pass up on several other Macguyver like things that just seemed unrealistic to a very practical statement, "when all else fails, grab a hammer" - I have (or as you will soon see, had) one of those. The illustrated instructions indicated that one should "take several shots at the handle, not so much because it will do anything, but it will help you take out your aggression on it for being locked." The idea was to wack it good a few times then use the claw of the hammer to wedge against the door and yank the handle off the mechanism (I oft grab the opportunity to use the word mechanism....and the word oft).

After a number of good wacks (as you can see in the photo above), I go for the yank and like right out of a Wile E. Coyote cartoon, nothing happens to the door handle but the top of the hammer breaks right off, the wood handle itself split clear off - I just started to crack up while yelling WTF (and secretly looking for a camera crew).

Can't forget the desperate attempt to "hacksaw" the handle off...see ridiculous excuse for a hacksaw in the picture above). Anyway, it occurred to me that since I am mid bath remodel, maybe the contractor has a hammer in my house, so I rumble through his belongings and find one...hoping it's a better quality one than mine (imagine explaining that to him as I add the cost of a new hammer to his next payment), I get aggressive on the handle again and this time, make some progress...I get the handle to fall off leaving this odd protrusion that I have no idea what the heck to do with...so I return to that web site to see what comes next. While attempting to navigate phone with my left hand, I grab the mangled protrusion from the door and give a forceful twist and the door opens.

The rest is irrelevant but of course, the whole time since locking Oliver up in my daughter's room, he's yelling and then terrified, I suspect, at the loud whacking of the door handle....

Anyway, I made it to work on time (barely) and have already replaced the door handle.

How was your morning?

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